Thursday Thoughts: I love and hate everything I've ever written

There seems to be a time in every writer's life when they let things go to their head. They write one good paragraph, and they think they're the next Kurt Vonnegut. The next Agatha Christie. The next Stephen King. The next Douglas Kenney.

You know, Kenney doesn't get the same recognition as the other writers in that list. Just like his friend Rodney Dangerfield, he don't get no respect. But Caddyshack is one of the most hilarious movies ever made, and anyone who disagrees with me is wrong. Rest in peace, Doug.

Anyway, as an author, I certainly have days where I can take a step back to read what I've written and take genuine pride in the quality of my work.

"This isn't half bad," I think to myself. "I'm pretty good at this. Maybe I'll actually be somebody someday!"

I'll come back less than an hour later and read the same passage with fresh eyes. The writing will seem like absolute garbage.

"What is wrong with me?!" I think. "How could I have ever thought that this was GOOD?!"

A coaching friend of mine equated this same phenomenon to watching film of yourself as an athlete. I can remember as a high school wrestler, I had a few matches where I felt like I was on fire. I'd remember hitting my opponent with a giant throw and slamming him into the mat in the third period. The ref would slap the mat dramatically when I secured the pin. The crowd would go ballistic. It was a wonder that the WWE wasn't knocking down my door to recruit me.

Of course I would later watch a video on my dad's flip phone of that exact match, and it would appear as though I was barely hanging on for the duration of the bout. Where was the drama unfolding like it did in the moment I lived it?! Heck, how I even managed to beat some of those guys often seemed like little more than dumb luck.

Fortunately, the inverse is also true. I remember matches in which I thought I looked like a baby deer trying to keep balanced on an ice rink, but the film usually revealed to me that I didn't perform nearly as horribly as I did in my head. Likewise, for writing, sometimes I'll take a break from my manuscript when I start to get frustrated. When I return, I usually realize that I tend to be hyper critical of myself fairly often.

Whether it's as a writer, as a wrestler, or as anyone who seeks to get better at something, honest self-criticism is a crucial part to finding success. If you're always sugar-coating reality, you'll never address your weaknesses, and your strengths will lose their edge. On the other hand, if all you ever do is wade around in a puddle of self-cynicism and negativity all the time, you're never going to have the motivation to get off the ground and get things done.

Also, you lose friends. You know that person at school or work who does nothing but complain about how bad everything is all the time? Who wants to hang around with THAT guy? Self-affirming thoughts need to balance out the candid constructive criticism.

I am absolutely harder on myself than I ought to be. I tend to compare myself to the best in my field, as a writer, as a teacher, as a coach. Maybe I'm like Douglas Kenney. Maybe I'm not recognized among other legendary writers in my field just yet. But I do know that I have the ability to write stories that at least a few people think are worth reading.

So I've got that goin' for me. Which is nice.